[Two Pronged] What to do when your online soulmate wants to marry you?

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I used to be a hard nosed journalist during Martial law times, when we still had to send our columns via fax and still feared our editors because there was no AI to edit our work. So you can probably tell that I do not fall for scams — especially romance scams, being catfished, etc. that easily.

Besides, I am nearing 70, so am not as needy for true love…which I feel makes me even less susceptible to being fooled by a guy who just wants my money. No fear there.

But then again, at my age, time and effort is often worth more than money.

I met him online. After corresponding about a month, he said he loved me, would not force me, but wanted to get married and come live in the Philippines. Too good to be true, right? He claims we are online soulmates who found each other online. He also claims he has never felt this way before.

I lived an adventurous and colorful life in the past. In my experience, people who seem too good to be true usually aren’t.

What am I to do with this cruise ship director who says he is tired of traveling the world, knows many Filipinas, finds them lovable, and wants one of his own to cherish forever?

It is tempting. But am I a fool to even give him a chance? He is due to come to Manila in August. He will have retired by then, and claims all he wants to do is marry me and live here. What do you think? Should I say yes?

– Marietta

Dear Marietta,

Given your history, a healthy dose of skepticism is quite understandable.

However, you seem intent on doing your due diligence so you are taking as many precautions as possible to avoid both the unexpected and the unacceptable.

Nevertheless, to go from complete strangers to online soulmates to marriage in just one month does seem too good to be true. That doesn’t mean that it could not possibly happen, merely that a degree of caution is appropriate. A chance for romance in one’s 70s is not unheard of and certainly should not be passed up simply because the odds are not favorable.

In the final analysis, you have much to gain and little to lose. Given your relationship’s online progress, the next step is to meet in person and see whether your compatibility is more than a virtual illusion. As you are already cognizant of the dangers of scams etc., you will be on your guard against any displays of exuberant trust, at least on your part, but open of course to the possibility that this is indeed a genuine romance.

Apply your journalistic training when he comes in August. Trust — but verify. Give him the opportunity to show himself to be the man he claims but view his behavior with a seasoned reporter’s eye. If he is genuine, so much the better. If not, it will still have been a worthwhile experience and you will have the consolation of knowing that your professional training has stood you in good stead once more.

Best wishes,
JAFBaer

Dear Marietta,

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with Mr Baer and everything he says, especially that “you have much to gain and little to lose” because you are someone who has trained herself, as a hard-nosed journalist, always to practice due diligence, even when the situation seems like you need not.

However, there are a few things I would like to point out that people other than digital natives might not be aware of.

Digital natives are people born during or after the information age which covers those from the late twentieth century into the twenty-first century. They’re called “natives” because they’ve grown up surrounded by iPads, smart phones, etc and thus they are inherently familiar with digital technology.

Digital immigrants (DIs), on the other hand, are who we are (and, in my opinion, anybody else older than 35). Because we were born before the digital era and adopted technology later in life, we process information differently.

Since the late 2010’s love bombing is now used to describe early-stage, overwhelming, and (perhaps even manipulative) affection in romantic relationships intended to create a feeling of trust and connection. This includes grand gestures, lavish gifts or frequent, expensive surprises; constant communication through calls, email etc. (which often is a demand of constant attention from the love bombed).

We DIs might know what love bombing means in action but we are not too au fait when love bombing takes place with words, rather than with gifts.

As a journalist, words would be your greatest strength, but they can also be your Achilles’ heel …and when someone wields them as well as you, mahirap hindi mahulugan ng loob (and someone becomes hard to resist).

So far, this cruise ship director (let’s call him Michael) has told you the following:

• he loves you,
• he wants to get married and come live in the Philippines (with you);
• you and he are online soulmates that found each other online; and finally
• he has never felt this way before

Yes, yes, nakakahulog ng loob talaga but when you think about it, all he’s told you so far could be uttered by any Tom, Dick, and Harry to any Tonette, Diane, and Henrietta, and none would be the wiser.

We DIs sometimes forget that when you email or text, you can email or text the same sincere, heartfelt messages, seemingly designed only for you, when actually they can be emailed or texted to a hundred others.

We DIs forget that, “during our time” when we had to mail individual handwritten letters and write in cursive every note we passed on to a female, such a letter (and now email) would mean a whole lot more. Because such an email would have meant a lot more effort and a lot more time you usually wouldn’t waste on just anyone… especially if the words were more “original” and not quite as generic.

I am not saying you should kick Michael to the curb, Marietta. It’s just that all he has said so far is not sufficient reason to believe him. When he finally says something to you that you recognize as not generic enough to appeal to any woman, but actually shows that he sees you for who you are, then you can really start paying attention.

There is yet another “tell” that can be used to distinguish real men from romance scammers but space constraints insist we wait for another column to write about it…should anyone want to find out, I mean.

All the best to you, a fellow lover of words
MG Holmes