Everything but the 'toupee shop': Reporter bashes predictability of Trump’s library

Miami is the preferred home of President Donald Trump’s new presidential library, but Miami reporters can’t seem to stop laughing at how predictably gaudy the thing turned out to be in designs.

Five years ago, after voters tossed Trump from the White House, Trump was facing a second impeachment over the January 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol. Twitter — before it was bought by billionaire Trump ally Elon Musk — had banned him from the platform because of his threat to U.S. democracy.

Trump was in the woods, and this was around the time Miami New Times editors got their heads together and made predictions about what the Trump library would look like. They called it on several fronts.

“We may have missed with the tanning salon and toupee shop, but some of New Times‘ predictions were not too far off: yuge (check). Packed with gold accents (check). Unusual artifacts (check). Money-making scheme (check),” wrote Naomi Feinstein. “It has been a stunning political turnaround for Trump, who is back in the White House and turning it into his own gilded, gaudy paradise.”

1. “Yuge”:

“It’s gonna be yuge. It’s gonna be classy. Like the piece of chocolate cake Trump ate while approving a missile strike on Syria. It’s gonna be the most beautiful presidential library you’ve ever seen.”

“While it may depend on how you define ‘beautiful’ and ‘classy,’ the library is certainly yuge,” reports Feinstein. “The renderings show the skyscraper towering above the Miami skyline bearing the Trump name lixke his other Trump-branded properties. The tower, which is expected to be 50 floors tall, will also need to be large enough to house a luxury $400 million Boeing 747-8 jetliner gifted to Trump by the Qatari government.

2. Gold Everywhere:

“You take a look around. The floor is carpeted in red. The walls are trimmed with gold.”

“It wouldn’t be Trump’s presidential library if it were not filled with gold accents,” said Feinstein, and indeed, an AI-generated video shows a library choked with gold accents, including a large gold doorway with a presidential seal, gold escalators, gold-trimmed walls, a gilded ballroom, and an oversized gold statue of Trump raising his fist.

“New Times thought a giant screen of Trump welcoming visitors to the library was sufficient for the commander and chief. Unfortunately, he needs a gold statue instead,” reports Feinstein.

3. Money-Making Scheme:

A Trump endeavor isn’t a Trump endeavor if it isn’t a grand money-making scheme.”

Back when Trump was getting drummed out of office, New Times editors predicted any library coming out of Trump would be a revenue generating tactic. In that regard, they called it.

“The cat is officially out of the bag,” reported Feinstein. “Speaking to reporters at the White House last week, Trump noted that the skyscraper will most likely be a hotel (just what his critics predicted). That explains the building’s towering height.

“I don’t believe in building libraries or museums,” Trump said. “Could be [an] office, but it’s most likely going to be a hotel with a beautiful building underneath and a 747 Air Force One in the lobby, which is going to be a trick.”

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