Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

My daughter, 38, married for 15 years and with 3 children, now wants an annulment of her marriage. She is seeking our help. She says she is seeking our emotional help, rather than financial help, but she has used that explanation before. Always it ends up more financial than anything else.

Now she wants to divorce her husband Anthony. We like Anthony. He is responsible and considerate of others’ feelings, and seems destined for an even brighter future. These are the qualities our daughter has in very limited quantities.

The problem is that most of her problems are due to her impatience, inability to forgive, and a sense of “honor” that is sometimes difficult to understand. Any harm done to her sense of honor seems to be solely her responsibility.  

It was easier when my wife Maria was around. But she died three years ago and I am the only one left to care for our daughter and grandchildren. Our daughter is our only child.  

When my Maria was alive, the family would be here every Sunday for lunch. My wife loved this, spending all of Saturday preparing the meal, and Sunday, after the children and their parents left, repeating conversations and little things that happened during lunch. Sometimes our daughter would do or say something that upset the “family tone” of our weekly get-togethers, but Anthony and my wife were very good at soothing ruffled feathers and things would go back to normal. 

I do not want to help my daughter get an annulment. I fear this is just her temper getting the best of her. But I do not want to abandon her either. Any help from you would be greatly appreciated.

– Eric

Dear Eric,

As a parent, a natural reaction to intimations from one’s adult offspring of wanting advice and/or help is often to spring into action and provide whatever support is needed, often irrespective of the circumstances. However, there are several general guidelines which should inform situations like these so that some of the looming pitfalls can hopefully be avoided.

As a rule, adult children have already attained a degree of autonomy and independence. How autonomous and independent may vary but parents should be minded to help their children preserve what they have achieved in these areas whenever possible. This is especially important in the case of spousal relationships and parenting and usually means keeping one’s own opinions to oneself. It is useful to remember that parents are of a completely different generation and era; today’s circumstances present novel dilemmas and yesterday’s solutions are seldom applicable.

Keeping your opinions to yourself is not part of your plan however, Eric. Cognizant though you are of your daughter’s wishes, you are dead set against her stated plan. You seem to be blaming her for the marital strife yet you put forward no solutions, merely opposition to an annulment. To complicate the situation, you are also concerned that the support she seeks from you is in fact going to be financial, not just emotional. And still you claim that you do not wish to abandon her. 

There appears to be no possible way you can accommodate these conflicting aims, so perhaps the way forward is to concentrate on providing the emotional support your daughter is seeking while stifling the temptation to offer your opinion on the future of her marriage. You are after all an outsider who in no way is privy to the real issues she is facing and it is, in the final analysis, her marriage that is at stake, not yours! 

Depending on how close your relationship is to your daughter, this still leaves ample scope for you to respond should she ask for your advice and guidance. Just remember not to proffer it unless it is sought.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Eric:

Thank you very much for your letter.   

On the one hand, congratulations! You are one of the few parents who have not automatically (and even ferociously) defended their daughter against her husband when they find out she wants an annulment from her husband. Usually this means a parent can be objective beyond what is considered “natural,” as he is able to see beyond blood ties. This usually means a more measured analysis of the reasons the marriage has become unsalvageable.

However, this is not what happened in your case, is it, Eric? In fact, you have gone completely the other way: immediately blaming your daughter for her impetuousness and inability to forgive.

Admittedly, the saying “Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors” is a cliché. But then again, sayings become clichés because they are often true. You have not even considered the possibility that this is what is actually happening between your daughter (let’s call her Elisa) and her husband (Paulo).  

You don’t know how long Elisa has been suffering. You don’t know how intense and excruciating her pain could be in her marriage. Perhaps she could tell her mother, but not you. Because she knows you have already decided it is her fault. 

It’s likely that she knows exactly how you feel because children usually know from your unguarded words and micro expressions.  

If you always judge her the way you wrote this letter, then her seeming “impatience” may be products of keeping quiet until she cannot stop herself from saying how she feels.  

She knows you prefer Paulo’s personality (at least, the one he shows you) to her’s; she knows you feel Paulo is a saint and she the sinner. This, too, could contribute to her outbursts at your family get-togethers. 

But all is not lost. The internet is replete with articles explaining how difficult father-daughter relationships often are. These include a 2021 study that states that “adult daughters report feeling less comfortable discussing personal issues with their father than they did with their mother, and relying on their dad for “instrumental (including financial) support” rather than emotional care.  

Another study reported that most women said “their bond with their father lacked depth: Their conversations stayed superficial and could feel awkward, and their dad hardly ever showed vulnerability. Several said they feared their father’s anger. Others told me they rarely hugged. Few regularly had one-on-one time with their dad. This lack of quality time together — particularly in childhood — is an acute factor straining father-daughter bonds.”

Oh, Eric, do you really want your relationship with your one and only child  remain this way? Because it need not, you know. 

Professor Linda Nielsen from Wake Forest University who wrote over 12 books on father-daughter relationships like Myths and Lies about Dads (2023) and Improving Father–Daughter Relationships (2026), calls it the weakest parent-child relationship. 

BUT even between daughters and fathers whose dynamic has become intensely strained, like yours is with Elisa, Nielsen… continues… that relationships can — and do — recover. For  Nielsen, the obvious solution is more quality time together.  

Yes, communication styles can differ by gender, age, attitudes, but regardless of those differences, if you, Eric, tried to devote time to Elisa, I can’t help feeling she, too, will reciprocate, thus making the bond between you better.

Please do not worry that this will automatically hurt your relationship with Paulo. As long as you are fair, it will not. So… how about it, Eric? It seems to me nothing will be lost except, perhaps, your original biases towards Elisa.

Wishing you the courage to take the first step.

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com