[Two Pronged] My future career conflicts with what I want to do, but mom won’t let me be

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am 19 years old, a freshman in medical school. I never wanted to be a doctor, but my mother forced me. We are poor and she said being a doctor was the only guarantee of our family not needing to depend on anyone financially. My father just died then and his retirement allowed us all to finish college, but she said she saved the rest so I could go to medical school.

Every chance she gets, she hints I should be grateful, because all the extra money was spent on me, instead of being divided equally among us children. It doesn’t make me feel good, and I imagine it doesn’t make my siblings feel good either.

But I hate being a med student. I also know I would hate being a doctor. She said I would change my mind once I was in med school, but that hasn’t happened. The she said it would be different once I saw real patients but I don’t think that would make any difference.

She also said I would change my mind when I started making more money than what my siblings would get because there wasn’t enough money to put all of us through special studies like law or medicine. But I hate this “gratitude” she expects me to feel. I hate that it also causes some friction between my siblings and me.

I am so tired. I want to kill myself when I realize I have 3 more years of school before I graduate, and then I have to intern in addition.

I want to earn my own money now, like my high school friends are already doing. How can I convince her this is the best decision for me? How can I convince her to put the extra money on my brother (2 years younger) who wants nothing more than to be a lawyer? My mother has already told him he has to support himself after college because there is no more money for law school.

I don’t want him to hate me.

Please help,
Clarisa

Dear Clarisa,

In a culture that prioritizes individuals over the collective, as most Western cultures do, it would be logical to suggest that you simply follow your dreams, quit med school and get a job.

However, Clarisa, you live in a country that embraces a culture that often embraces different values, a culture which promotes filial piety/obedience, gratitude (utang na loob), and dutiful caretaking (tagasalo) and thus prioritizes the family over the individual.

With this in mind, you have to design a game plan which will enable you to change course without challenging the current mores and the will of the collective.

You need firstly to reframe your wish to leave med school and get a job as a positive contribution to the family rather than an attempt to thwart your mother. For example, it will generate immediate income
(rather than in the future when you finally would be earning as a doctor) and free up the funds earmarked for your future studies so that law school could become a reality for your brother.

Remember to use respectful, face-saving language. For example, express your need for this change as a strategy to embrace life enthusiastically and to avoid med school burnout, which will allow you
to show up and contribute better for your family.

Then, to help convince your mother, get your brother on your side.

This should be easy enough since the chance to go to law school makes him potentially a major beneficiary of these changes.

This will not necessarily be an easy conversation but hopefully the twin attractions of an immediate source of income and sibling support will sway your mother.

Best wishes,
JAF Baer

Clarisa,
Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, Mr Baer, for all the suggestions you shared with Clarisa, which I hope will work; but frankly I doubt it… except for the first suggestion about getting a job and quitting med school.

I would, however, not ask for your Mom’s permission, but just do it. She will never agree that you quit med school, since her dream is for you to become a doctor.

As the old adage goes: Better to ask “forgiveness” than permission. This is not advice I give willy nilly, as oftentimes it merely encourages selfishness. In your case however, I feel it is spot on.

Clarisa, the reason I doubt Mr Baer’s other suggestions will make a difference, is for the same reason all your remonstrations in the past have not: Your mother doesn’t listen. It’s because she probably thinks she knows what’s best for you, even if obviously she doesn’t. The reason she won’t listen is because not only does she think she’s right, she has no compunction using anything to get you to do something you don’t want to do.

A case in point is the first sentence in your third paragraph: “Every chance she gets, she hints I should be grateful, because all the extra money was spent on me, instead of being divided equally among us children”. Boyoboy, this is emotional blackmail at its finest!

I know of parents who, in wanting a priest, lawyer, or doctor in the family do everything they can convince their children to enter a seminary, go to law/medical school, etc. I have seen so, so many lives upended because children who know what they want and need, still follow their parents’ wishes.

\You make another good point, Clarissa. You start with “How can I convince her to put the extra money on my brother who wants nothing more than to be a lawyer? My mother has already told him he has to support himself after college because there is no more money for law school” and then later “I don’t want him to hate me.” Bingo! If things continue as they are, it is possible (though not necessarily likely) that he might resent you.

However, you can do as Mr Baer suggests: “get your brother on your side.” Share your feelings, be vulnerable with, and trust him. This might get him to open up and this can be the start of a real relationship between the two of you.

Hopefully, when he sees things in perspective, he will not resent you.

However, in truth, he has the eyes, ears and the heart to witness all your mother has tried to force on you. But again, this is not in your remit. It is in his. You can do all you feel you must, but in the end, people do (and even feel) what they want to and nothing you do, say, or feel can change that.

Please carry this knowledge in your head and in your heart all the time, but especially when you doubt yourself: Even if people think they are doing the right thing, sometimes it is just because this is what they want to do.

So let them do them, and you do you. In the end, that is the best you – or anybody else – can do.

All the best,
– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com