[Two Pronged] Wife concerned about husband’s problematic porn consumption

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dra. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am 33 years old po and in a 6 year relationship with a man 5 years younger than me. We got married last December. We were sexually active on our first year together. Even though we were not married yet, we were open to his family, to the extent that I would sleep over at their place about three times a week.

During those times when I didn’t sleep over, I found some evidence that he was masturbating and addicted to watching pornography before going to sleep.

At first it didn’t bother me. But there was one time that I was about to go to his house and when I arrived I found out he just did it. Is what I am feeling wrong? I feel that he should’ve waited for me and not masturbated since he knew I was coming over.

After a year or so, I opened up to him about my concern. I felt like i was losing my self esteem. I have asked a lot of people if they felt that what he was doing was normal. It reached a point that whenever I went to his place, nothing happened between us (sex).

It’s not that I am looking for sex, but if I am not with him, he watches porn and masturbates. I know this because I looked at the history of his computer and all the sites are porn sites. I also know he masturbates because I know the cloth he uses to wipe his secretions.

Finally, we fought. I opened up to him that I am willing to help him ask for a professional advice, and he flared up. We didn’t speak to each other until it reached a time when he told me he no longer watches porn or masturbates. But I still see evidences of all he does.

This time, he denies things, Since we are not yet married in church. I stay at my house like two to three times a week and the rest of the time I am at his house.

Could the reason be physical? But I am sexier and more beautiful than the women in these porn sites. Please help us before it’s too late. I am worried I am just unable to understand things.

– Donna

Dear Donna,

Porn appeals for a variety of reasons. It is ubiquitous and easy to access, it seems a harmless way to have pleasure, it helps people cope with stress or escape their problems, and of course it feels good. However, it can be addictive, it can distort one’s perception of sex and it can lead to withdrawal from relationships if a person gets more from porn than from having sex with their partner.

Although porn addiction has not yet been classified as a distinct behavioral addiction, there now exists an assessment named Self-Perceived Problematic Porn Use (SPPPU) for people who self identify as addicted to porn because they feel they cannot control their porn consumption and it interferes with their daily lives.

The use of porn generates a variety of responses, especially when someone in a committed relationship discovers that their partner watches it secretly. Often there is a sense of betrayal because porn is frequently conflated with emotional or moral infidelity.

This certainly appears the case for you, Donna, especially since porn has apparently reduced your husband’s interest in sex with you to zero. In fact you see your husband as a porn addict who should recognize his inability to control its use.

The problem however is twofold:

• his total denial of the reality, and
• his apparent refusal to engage in a discussion of the resultant situation.

So what is to be done? Ideally, you need to have a full and frank discussion with your husband. Start with an open mind with the intention of understanding his position. Why does he watch it and, equally importantly, why does he no longer want to have sex with you?

If he is open to this discussion, then you can explore how to bridge the gap between you, if necessary with professional help. In addition, the internet is full of useful information, such as this resource from Marriage.com.

If he refuses to have this discussion with you or simply persists in denying what is already self-evident, then you have to decide why this is so. Is he deluded, or does he have so little respect for your opinion, or is there some other reason? Therapy would help but he is not open to this.

So you need to evaluate your relationship, which seems devoid of sex, honesty and trust, and decide if it has any future (hint: it doesn’t).

Best of luck,
– JAF Baer

Dear Donna,

Thank you very much for your letter. I am happy for Mr Baer’s differentiating between opinions of a consenting adult who watches porn (your partner) and another adult who is non consenting regarding her boyfriend’s PU (porn use).

I am also happy that Mr Baer shared the concept of SPPPU which is usually foreign territory for non-academics like himself.

I do not wish to be accused of being an “academist,” so let me quickly add that this difference, after all, was the original (and I sincerely hope to be the continuing) basis for this column: a clinical psychologist, armed with research and training vis a vis a layman (albeit incredibly smart and rational) relying on gut-level responses to the letter writer. In this case, you, Donna.

However, despite Mr Baer’s accurate definition of SPPPU, I strongly feel Mr Baer has prematurely taken your “side.”

He seems to agree with your analysis that “Porn has apparently reduced your husband’s interest in sex with you to zero.” – despite his use of “apparently” to play it safe ☺

However, there is another hypothesis concerning your husband’s lack of sexual interest in you. Your questions and behavior towards his use of pornography and masturbating to it send the clear message that you do NOT approve or even understand. To add to that, you have mentioned your concern to several of your friends and perhaps even “advisers,” so what you see as his problematic porn use is now known to many.

In his mind, your behavior have thus made him a nakakadiri (EWWWW, super gross!) and even pitiable person. This will hardly make you a object of sexual desire.

Mr Baer has further decided that the problem however is your husband’s total denial of the reality and his apparent refusal to engage in a discussion of the resultant situation.

But his behavior is not necessarily to deny his PU, but to answer his extreme anger at your behavior, and his apparent refusal to discuss this further with either you or with a therapist may also be the result of his feeling: “She has stacked the deck against me, there is no use fighting her.”

I have no idea if my analysis is accurate. All I want you to do is to be aware that there is at least one other explanation other than that of Mr Baer and yours.

This humility or openness to another situation that does not automatically condemn his behavior will, at the very least, make him more willing to come to the table with the hope that trying to find a solution does not automatically mean “you are right, and thus he has to change” but may involve exploring other possible solutions… perhaps even including an apology for your “rash judgment,” if applicable.

If he picks up on your willingness to apologize for all you did, he may possibly also be willing to admit his faults (like lying about his no longer viewing pornography) and it will make for communication that is more open, less judgmental, more forgiving and perhaps, even more trusting of each other.

All the best,
– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com