[Two Pronged] I discovered my husband watching porn. Is he going to cheat later on?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

My husband “Mark” was supposed to be working on our Christmas card list last night when we got surprised by an old schoolmate who visited unexpectedly. He must have forgotten to turn off his computer because, when I started cleaning his office, I saw a scantily-clad woman with enormous breasts, pointing at them and with her saying, “These are for you, Merry Christmas.”

I stood there with the trapo (dusting cloth), mouth wide open, trying to understand what I was seeing. It gets worse: Looking at his browsing history, I saw his constantly looking at porn sites.

I am outraged. I am surprised beyond belief. I feel so wronged. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

Should I talk to him about it? But when? We have parties every day this week, and, on Christmas Eve, we host one for his co-workers, and on Christmas Day, we spend the day at my parents’.

Maybe I should just leave home now. Leave it to him to explain why I am gone. (I wonder what excuse he will use?) 

But is it too soon to take my children with me? Also, I do not want to let him down on Christmas Eve, despite what he has been doing to me these months.

Does watching porn mean he will cheat later on in the marriage?

Please help,
Upset Wife

Dear Upset Wife (UW),

Attitudes to porn now differ according to many variables, such as age, culture, religion, geography, etc. For centuries, porn was frowned upon and relatively inaccessible, but with the advent of the internet, anyone of any age now just needs a WiFi connection to have unlimited porn available 24/7. This has radically changed how porn is viewed in many parts of the world. Those brought up in the internet era tend to have a more liberal view, especially if they live in Europe or North America, where religious strictures carry less weight.

A study by Barna shows in some detail the ubiquity of porn use and the diminishing sense of guilt surrounding it, although the study is confined to the US. The main findings are quite revealing:

1. There is moral ambiguity toward porn, particularly among younger Americans.
2. There are varied opinions about what constitutes porn.
3. One in three Americans seek out porn at least once a month.
4. Age, gender, and faith practice are the three biggest factors in frequent porn use.
5. Young adults use more porn and are less likely to say it’s bad for society.
6. Teens and young adults rank not recycling as more immoral than viewing porn.
7. Most porn users say it doesn’t bother them to use porn.
8. Very few adults feel a sense of guilt when they use porn.
9. Most porn users are okay with how much porn they use, but practicing Christians are divided.
10. Few adults are actively trying to stop using porn.

While there is no reason why you, UW, should meekly accept the views of an American study, it does seem as though your reaction to this discovery of your husband’s porn use is somewhat extreme. In many cases, watching porn is nothing more than an extension of having sexual fantasies that the watcher has no intention of turning into reality. Studies have investigated the possibility of a connection between porn and sexual violence, but results seem contradictory and uncertain. In any case, it is clearly not the case that all porn watchers become violent sex offenders.

Perhaps, instead of leaving, what you need to do is discuss the matter with your husband. Why does he need to watch porn? Is this a mere pleasure (like enjoying a beer after work, for example) or a need to fill a void or something else? Surely his motivation is crucial to establishing how you should respond to your discovery and then calibrating your response. After all, it may be that this habit of his is of minor significance and, even if it isn’t, you should pause and consider your possible responses before blowing up your marriage completely.

Best wishes,
JAF Baer

Dear UW:

Thank you very much for your letter. First, let us answer the question you asked in your last paragraph: “Does watching porn mean he will cheat later on in the marriage?” 

Not necessarily. There is no reason looking at a picture of another woman with bigger breasts than you will inevitably lead to infidelity. Factors that relate to infidelity have more to do with relationship satisfaction, communication, individual values, commitment levels, etc.

I understand your sense of outrage and the need that you respond to it in no uncertain terms. Perfectly understandable. After all, what you discovered hit you in the gut and probably felt like a personal attack (like it does to most partners who discover what you did).

However, I commend you for not leaving home immediately with your children, leaving him to explain your absence to your guests. Not many could react as fiercely as you did and yet still be able to decide against it, because you did “not want to let him down on Christmas Eve.” 

I am hoping that the resilience and care within you that helped you go against your instinct when you saw what you saw will also be there when you talk with him about what you saw.

As Lori Gottlieb, author of the memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed (2019), often writes, “Speak to him from a place of curiosity, rather than of blame.”

Dearest UW, if you can do that, I feel you will have won half the battle — at least as far as pornography is concerned — because I think the effect that viewing pornography has on your relationship depends on much more than the actual fact of his watching.  

These factors — his childhood, his view of his parents’ relationship, your relationship with him, his expectation of how loving husbands and wives support each other, to name a few — are what have to be explored when you have your talk.

What you both want to really get at would be related to broader issues like communication, trust, intimacy, and differing sexual expectations. It is not only his answers that matter, but yours too. 

Not that you can expect to have your feelings (his and yours) addressed overnight. But perhaps the immediate ones from both your sides can be answered fairly early?

On your side, those might include: what his watching porn means to you, how it made you feel, and will he stop? Or at least try to (and immediately tell you if he finds it difficult to do so).

On his side, these might include: if this does not take anything away from how I feel about you and the kids, I don’t understand; please explain to me why you think it is a gross offense. Please help me understand how it can bother you in the first place? How about if we watch it together?

It is important you are open to each other both about general issues — finances, your respective families, expectations of how much time you spend on the family — and about the particular (sex). That is the reason asking from a place of curiosity rather than blame is so important.

Since you are the person to start this conversation, your tone will help determine whether your first (and hopefully the following) encounters will be worthwhile or not. Should these admittedly difficult conversations lead to greater acceptance, cooperation, and, yes, even love — this might even be the very best gift you will being each other this holiday season.

Hoping for the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com