[Two Pronged] Despite proof, husband won’t admit he’s cheating

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer:

I told my husband “Sam” to leave our house after I got proof that he was seeing other women. He denied it but I hired a detective and yet, even when I showed him the pictures the detective got, he still denied it.

That’s when I knew it was no use. This is the third time I caught him cheating. But he has never once admitted he cheats.

The first two times I forgave him. But this time, I find too hard to do so. He keeps on apologizing, for hurting me, without ever admitting he was unfaithful despite proof that he was.

Our son (5 years old) always cries for him, although he stays with his father every weekend. I feel guilty whenever I see him crying.

I am determined to separate from him this time, but my mother, a single mom who raised me, says to think it over “100 times and then another hundred times” because raising a kid without support is so hard. 

It was so hard for her being described as a “separada” (woman separated from her husband), she’s told me time and again. She says she is not trying to convince me to stay, but she wants me to realize it is not easy to raise a child alone.

I have a good job and do not need my husband to financially support me and our child. I think that is the most important thing, don’t you?

Please tell me what to do. I do not want to live with a man who promises to be good once I let him back into my life, only to experience another infidelity after several months. What do you think? Is my mother right? 

Cora

Dear Cora,

You make it quite clear why you now want to separate permanently from your husband Sam — serial infidelity and refusal to take responsibility. What is less clear is why it is different this time since you have forgiven him in the past. In addition, you still have doubts, both because of your child and also your mother’s concerns.

Your mother does make good points. It is difficult being a single mother but there are significant differences between her experience when you were a child and single parenthood as you will experience it nowadays.

Firstly, the stigma attached to being “separada” has diminished, if not disappeared, at least in urban areas. This is partly because it is much more common now and partly because we live in a more liberal age.

Secondly, you say that you do not need your husband’s financial support. All too often, women’s options are limited due to their lack of financial agency, so it is a major advance that you are in a position to proceed independently.

It is understandable that your child will be affected if you separate, but you should also remember that he is being affected even if you remain together. 

You and Sam are role models for your child and he will be well aware of how your relationship with Sam is playing out. He may not grasp the nuances yet, but as he grows up, he certainly will. He will have witnessed your willingness to forgive Sam repeatedly, as well as his denials, and his views of marriage and the roles of spouses will be shaped by your decisions.

Just as there are children who regret their parents split, so there are other children who regret that theirs did not! So give due consideration to the example you are setting for your child.

Finally, in answer to your question as to whether your mother is right, yes she is but that is not the clincher. She is not comparing like with like. You have the chance to make a new life for yourself and your child. Take it and show him that a strong independent woman does not need a philandering husband. Be the role model of a mother and wife that will stand him in good stead as an adult. 

Best regards, 

JAFBaer

Dear Cora,

Thank you very much for your letter. Let me answer your last (and only stated question) first: “Is your mother right?”

About her feelings, definitely so…because these are her feelings and she trusts you and allowed herself to be vulnerable to you by sharing with you. 

Is your mother right about what you should do with your own life? Not necessarily. In fact, based on what you’ve told us, I would say she is definitely wrong.

In the first place, she doesn’t seem to really listen to your present needs and future goals. She also seems unaware of the resources you have.

First, your needs: in my opinion, you need to separate from your husband — a man who has broken his marriage vows and been unfaithful to you at least three times. 

You also need to distance yourself from a man who does not even have the courtesy to admit what he has done, not just once or twice, but a third time! How can he stop doing what he promises to stop doing, when he pretends he didn’t do what he’s actually done? Talk about gaslighting. Talk about an act that dare not speak its name

Second, your goals: it seems one of your most important goals is not to permanently “damage” your son from your separation. I believe Mr. Baer has reassured you that this is not the only option. He has presented clear options on how to protect your son in ways you are capable of doing.

Another goal you seem to have is living in peace. You certainly cannot live this way if you keep waiting “for the other shoe to drop” — waiting for when you will once again find proof of his infidelity. How can you live in peace, when you are not even relaxed in your own home?

Finally, your resources: Not just your financial resources but, more importantly, your emotional strengths. One is your determination to finally live an honest life because you will no longer pretend your marriage is built on mutual trust and respect. 

Another is your courage: you seem to have a clear idea what likely difficulties you will have if you too become a “separada” like your mom, and you are prepared for anything in this department. Bully for you!

Not believing your mom’s predictions are accurate doesn’t mean you are disrespecting her. It’s just recognizing that anyone who has not bothered to listen to what is really going on with you is not in a position to ask you to compare her situation to yours.   

Wishing you the best of luck, 

MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com