[Two Pronged] Worried admitting my porn habit might ruin my engagement

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer,

My name is Vincent (assumed name), a 37-year old male with a very good job in AI. Now that I have enough to put a down payment on a two-bedroom condo in BGC, I asked my girlfriend to marry me.

She is a Christian-born again. When I knelt before her and asked her to marry me (together with a big diamond ring), she cried and said yes.

But after the party, when the caterers were cleaning up, she came up to me and said: “I love the ring, I love the downpayment on the condo you call ours, but Vincent, these are not the most important things to me. Our lives with Jesus Christ is. Vincent, is there anything which might prevent our living as a married couple in the way Christ wants us to?”

I answered jokingly: “You mean, if I have a wife and 10 kids stashed away somewhere?”

Her face became serious: “I mean it. Is there anything that will make me sorry to say ‘Yes’ to your proposal?”

We have not had sex since the time she was rebaptized as a born-again Christian. (she was Catholic before and then is was ok for us to have sex before marriage). I stayed with her because I knew she was the kind of wife I needed to marry in order to be a good father and husband.

The problem is, when we stopped having sex, I started to watch porn. Now I cannot stop. Before leaving for work, when I come home from the office, before I go to sleep, I watch porn, often masturbating while watching.

Does that count as something I should tell her? I tried stopping thrice before but was unable to.

– Vince

Dear Vincent,

When someone decides to change religion, they often show a zeal and dedication that were singularly absent in their lives prior to their conversion. They an even seem entirely different persons. This obviously impacts significantly on those around them and can be inter alia disconcerting, difficult to understand, game-changing, and of course requires everybody to adjust their relationship with the
convert.

The more fervent the conversion, the greater the need to adjust.

Of all the changes you must have faced, the only one you mention is giving up premarital sex (as an aside I am puzzled by your suggestion that Catholicism — as opposed to liberal Catholics themselves — is tolerant of this since that has never been my understanding).

You have compensated by watching porn and masturbating, to the extent that you no longer can control it. This is a very significant development and by your own account one which clearly bothers you since your efforts to give it up have been so emphatically unsuccessful.

You ask if this addiction is something you should reveal to your fiancée. If you were certain that you could give it up once marriage legitimizes sex, then just possibly the answer might be ‘no’. However, there are two reasons why this is unwise.

Firstly, you are already concerned that you cannot stop and secondly it would scarcely be an honest answer to your fiancée’s question. You say she is “the kind of wife I needed to marry in order to be a good ….husband” yet this is to be the way you approach marriage? Is keeping this type of secret your definition
of a good husband?

Surely the better way to deal with the problem is to tell her, face it together as a couple, try to combat this addiction (if necessary with therapy). If nothing else, her reaction will reveal whether your analysis of her character is accurate or requires a reality check.

You may well think that this is a high risk strategy but so is not telling her only to find that your secret and subsequent failure to control your addiction are undermining your marriage.

Best of luck,
– JAF Baer

Dear Vincent,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Much has already been written about addiction to pornography and how common it is because of its affordability, (easy) accessibility, and anonymity.

In fact, at this stage of your addiction, if we can even call it that at this stage (more on that later), it is not 100% definite to describe your current behavior as an addiction to pornography.

In fact, the only sign that your behavior might possibly be addictive is that it’s become a habit that you have failed to stop, despite trying three times before. I am not trivializing your concern – in fact, your ready acceptance that it may be a factor in the success of your marriage is a very good sign.

Rather than mentioning the other symptoms of a behavioral addiction, I think listing other factors that may impact your marriage is more important.

Indeed, important AND welcome. In your case, most of these factors work in your favor.

My admittedly non-extensive clinical experience in pornography addiction suggests that the following are crucial in analyzing impact: frequency of use (while you watch porn daily, it is limited to particular times and places); the type of pornographic content (relatively “mild,” as opposed to violent or extreme pornography); the age at which you were exposed to it (beyond your teen years); and any pre-existing mental health conditions.

The last, admittedly, remains to be seen, but so far so good.

To answer your question, “Does (this) count as something I should tell her?” Indubitably, yes.

This is not because your behavior has to do with something you “should be ashamed of.” Right now, it only has to do with the fact that you would be continuing your relationship (and thus starting your marriage) with a secret.

Secrets and a “successful marriage” are oxymorons. By withholding aspects of yourself from your partner, you make it difficult for them to get to know the real you and that is far more damaging to intimacy than any daily behavior can.

Dearest Vincent, I know it will be difficult — and embarrassing —to mention this vulnerability to your fiancée but this is what young men truly in love with their partners do: they share their deepest concerns and face whatever onslaughts they have to.

The good news is that Mr. Baer is right: Christians forgive — especially, I would think, if this is the first transgression/confession. If your fiancée cannot find it in her heart to “face it together as a couple, (and) try to combat this addiction (if necessary with therapy)… her reaction will reveal whether your analysis of her character requires a reality check.”

I do not mean to trivialize your problem, but I daresay, you can’t lose!! You share your pornography dependence with her. If she wraps her arms around you and says “we shall face this temptation together,” then all is well because you will.

But, at the other extreme (and be aware there are ways to behave within these extremes), IF she shirks away in horror, then here’s hoping your reality check will convince you that you are better off with your condo solely in your name and your big diamond ring in your pocket.

All the best
– MG Holmes