When ‘silent divorces’ lead to costly splits

Divorce may call to mind shouting matches and seething emotions. But in some marriages, silence and suppression are the defining traits. So-called silent divorce—a new term for an age-old phenomenon—describes when couples grow emotionally detached over time. Communication sputters, intimacy fades, and conflicts go unaddressed. Rather than romantic partners, the pair more resemble indifferent roommates living parallel lives under the same roof, coexisting but failing to connect.

“I’ve had clients describe it like, ‘I’m living with my brother or sister,’” said Russell Alexander, who heads a practice in divorce and family law. “The physical bond, the emotional bond just fades away slowly, silently.”

The subtle signs of a marriage drifting apart

The pattern is characterized by an absence of shared goals or experiences, lack of physical affection, conversations limited to functional matters—revolving around chores, schedules, kids—and growing disinterest in each other.

While silent divorce can feel as corrosive as some stages of a “traditional” separation, couples looking to move beyond it could start by communicating openly, followed by counselling and possible consultations with a family lawyer, experts say. Otherwise, the financial and legal ramifications can range from fights over joint-account spending to division of assets and estate claims further down the line.

A turn toward the mundane and unromantic is almost inevitable in any relationship, says Andrew Sofin, a licensed psychotherapist. Divergent interests and friend groups, the dullness of domestic routine, and even rough patches are par for the marital course. “Running a family with young children is much more like running a business than it is about being an intimate, loving, emotionally connected couple,” he argued.

Why delaying separation can prove financially costly

Nonetheless, some level of emotional closeness underpins most healthy relationships. Even if they grow apart, the duo might stay together for reasons related to finances and children, or simply out of convenience, habit or fear of change. But the legal repercussions can be big.  

Often, divorces start out with one or both spouses informing the other that they want to separate. “That notice is important,” said Alexander. Any assets acquired after that date do not need to be shared with a partner, with possible implications for child and spousal support as well.

But silent divorcees are mute on such subjects. Alexander said one client, a business owner running a $5-million operation, had decided in his own mind that his relationship was over, but took no immediate steps to separate formally. “The business ended up obtaining a new contract which significantly increased the value” to $20 million, which obliged him to hand over a lot more money to his spouse when they did eventually part ways, he said.

Affairs and finances can ignite legal conflict

Unsurprisingly, things also tend to go sideways if one spouse finds another partner while legally married.

“Let’s say he’s spending a lot of money on his new girlfriend,” said Christopher Yu, a lawyer at Shulman & Partners, noting that chequing accounts and credit cards are often held jointly. “That’s going to cause tension and friction.”

Things can get even more complicated should that free-spending philanderer pass away. He might have opened himself up to what’s known in Ontario as a dependent support claim, where the girlfriend, boyfriend, or their children can request assets from the deceased person’s estate, said Yu. “Now you’ve got multiple people battling for contents of the estate,” he said, whereas a formal separation agreement could have pre-empted those fights.

For those looking to head off such contests and rekindle their bonds, counselling offers one path. Couples therapy provides “so much hope,” said Sherriden Brown, a registered psychotherapist based in Mississauga, Ont., who recommends “emotionally focused therapy” in particular.

Formal separation can prevent bigger conflicts later

Of course, separation affords another way to sort out one’s affairs—in every sense—with legal counsel recommended in that case. A separation agreement lays out the division of assets, spousal support, child support, as well as parenting time and decision-making responsibilities, among other questions.

An official divorce, specific to married couples and ordered by a judge after a court application, typically occurs after a separation agreement has been finalized.

However, plenty of procedures exist outside the court system. “You can mediate, you can arbitrate. I’m a big fan of collaborative practice where we intentionally agree not to go to court because we think it’s a more efficient way,” Alexander said.

Others have a more passive approach—what might be called a mindset of tempered expectations. “If there’s no conflict, why split?” asked Sofin. “We want an absence of pain. Most people aren’t shooting for stars and fireworks.”

Some clients say they expect to be “highly emotionally connected.” His response: “Says who? What, a movie told you or some magazine told you?”

Either way, expressing deep-seated concerns or dissatisfaction would mark a healthy starting point. “It’s always better to deal with it head-on and resolve it before the problem festers and becomes bigger and uncontrollable down the road,” said Yu. “Don’t let it linger.”

Read more about divorce:

• Aimee Schalles on confronting your marriage’s hard questions early
• How real estate is taxed during a separation or divorce
• Divorce and life insurance: How to make sure your family stays protected
• How capital gains tax on property is divided in a divorce

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